Wednesday, August 6, 2014 4:24 AM
The lights were off and here I am in the dark lying in bed next to my mom as I hug her from her left and rest my head on her inner arm. I smell her scent of baby powder and shampoo because she just had her shower before bed. I put my left arms on her tummy and my foot on her left foot as if my body was clinging to hers. I can see, though it was pitch black but I can see the movement of her chest, up and down, as she slowly fell dizzy into her slumbering sleep. I hold her body like I was desperate that I am going to fall out of that moment. I hug her tight when that sensation came. It stings like a bee when it bit my heart. Then later I felt the streams of sadness falling on my face and at that moment I realized and confidently sure I was crying. Lingering questions in my mind were why as I myself too do not know the reason. What I am sure was that her shirt was wet from my sobbing. Luckily she was now completely deep into her wonderland to realize the minor damage I had done to her shirt. My silent cry intensified as I imagine several scenarios and occasions in my head which was highly affected by the emotions that I was having at that time. It's a mixture of (yes) sadness, a spoonful of fear and with a dash of panic. Then without waking her up, I got out of bed and walk myself towards the bathroom.
I'm not so sure what just happened but I've been crying for about 2 hours now on the toilet. I felt the sadness sank it's sharp teeth onto my skin, shredding every muscle, every meat, every vein of my body; when I was ready to close my eyes and sleep.